Venus Fly Traps and Chalk Dust
by MrsEads
Summary: A hopefully humourous stab at certain pairings. Mainly GSR and YoBling.


Author's Note: If you've come here looking for a short but sweet GSR piece, hit that little back button, because you ain't going to find it here! This is a stab at GSR, just because I hate it so much. It also contains a bit of a stab at YoBling, but it's meant to be more humourous, since I actually love YoBling. On the other hand, if you want to trash GSR, come on in and stay a while! And, if you feel like it, leave a review before you go! Warning: EXTREMELY out of character!

Spoilers: 'Nesting Dolls' and 'Play With Fire', although they're not really serious. It's basically just random stabs at stupid GSR things (and other things) that have occurred throughout the show. Oh wait, there's a really big spoiler to 'Crow's Feet'.

Disclaimer: If I owned CSI, I wouldn't have to write this, because GSR wouldn't exist at all!

* * *

Sara walked past the janitor's closet and an explosion went off. She was thrown backwards onto a cart, which she cut her hand on. There was chalk dust flying around everywhere, and she couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then she realized that it was the janitor's closet, so the chalk was probably from inside. Suddenly Grissom appeared and spoke at a random interval. "Honey, that cut doesn't look good."

"Did you just call me 'honey'?" Sara asked.

"No. I just say 'honey' as a curse word. It has no emotion attached to it, like myself."

"Ah. I understand that both you and I are relationally inept and are therefore completely unsuitable for each other, and that my schoolgirl crush on you is completely inappropriate, especially since you are fifteen years older than me, in addition to you being my boss. Hold still, you have chalk on your face. I'll wipe it off," Sara said, wiping it off.

"Thank you," he said.

"Would you like to go get some of Greg's extremely expensive coffee that he makes with your water?"

"Why, yes, I would. And while we drink, you can pour your heart out about your devastating childhood, which is completely unlike you," Grissom said.

"And we should drink while sitting in front of a rotting pig just so we can see what happens when you infest it with flies."

"That sounds really good to me. We should make it look like we're having a romantic moment so that everybody who sees us sitting there thinks that we have some sort of chemistry and starts writing stories about us," Grissom suggested.

"That sounds like fun! We should definitely do that."

"And while we're at it, what's your favourite kind of plant? I want to send you another one like I did a while ago."

"The time you forgot I was a vegetarian and I overreacted and almost quit, which in and of itself proves that I'm too dramatic for you?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Well, I really like Venus fly traps. I really prefer them over other flowers because they eat bugs," Sara said.

"Bugs are my life!" Grissom exclaimed. "How could you bear to kill them?"

"I don't know. Maybe because they have far too many legs, or maybe because they're really gross, or maybe it's that they're extremely overrated."

"Even if I agreed with you, which I don't, I would never admit that you're right, because that's not the kind of person I am. I don't show my feelings."

Just then, Catherine popped her head out from a door where she had been making out with Warrick. "Hi, Sara, hi, Grissom," she said. "I just got back from that conference in Chicago that you were almost late to send me to. I had a real good time."

"I'm so glad you're back," Grissom said. "I missed your tush."

"I knew you would," Catherine said. "But I'm going to go back to making out with Warrick, even though he's a married man and he married a bitch whom we all know cheats on him, but nobody will admit it or bring it up. Anyway, see you later!" she said as she closed the door, but it slammed against the frame with a loud _Bang!_

"My ears, my ears!" Grissom exclaimed.

"Don't worry about it," Sara said. "It was bound to happen anyway, what with you going to the shooting range every time a case affects you personally. I mean, you go to the shooting range and everyone thinks it's all fine and dandy, but I go out for a drink after a case and everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic. Go figure."

"Well, we all know that you're a loose cannon with a gun. We just didn't know how loose until you told me you were a member of the Mile High Club."

Suddenly, Ecklie appeared out of nowhere, which he seemed to be doing more and more frequently lately. "Grissom! Get your people to their assignments!"

"Right away, Conrad. Sara, you're with me on an abuse-murder case. I know you do the best job on those ones, because you get so personal, given your horrific past. Catherine, when you and Warrick are finished making out, you have a B and E just off Durango. It's in the middle of nowhere, so you can make out as much as you want. I'm so oblivious, I won't even notice. Nick, you have a dead prostitute named Carrie Hawkins, and it looks like she slept with someone last night, probably a Texan, judging by the cowboy hat found by her bed. Watch out, though. She had a bit of a red ant problem in her house. Whenever Greg is done ogling pictures of Pink, tell him to get his butt out to a house in Summerlin. He's got a dead Norwegian with a gross mildew infection on her feet. And make sure he goes to the bathroom first so he doesn't have to use the one at the scene."

Just then, Catherine came out of the room. "Warrick, I'll take my own car, you take yours. First I have to stop off at home during a random time of the day to make sure Lindsey is okay. Magically, I know she'll be awake, no matter what time it is. But don't start processing until I get there. I want the slow motion and themusic to come on first. I look so good in slow motion and to melodramatic music."

"Oh, that reminds me, Sara," Grissom said. "Make sure you stay quiet for the first six and a half minutes after we get there. I want to get my awesome one-liner in before someone turns on The Who really loudly. That always seems to happen."

Nick looked out the window and said, "Hey! It's raining! We need ponchos!"

"It's raining?" Catherine said. "This town was not built for rain. I have to go make sure Lindsey isn't in a car abandoned by my less-than-mediocre husband sinking to the bottom of an overflowing sewer!"

"That's a good idea," Warrick said. "And, while we're at it, we should search the drains for bone fragments so I can show off more of my knowledge of the Las Vegas sewer system. After all, with my former gambling problem, I could have ended up living there."

Catherine and Warrick quickly ran away to go to their crime scene and then make out.

Greg came out of the DNA lab, which for some reason he was in again, even though he was technically a CSI. Sara noticed him.

"Greg, what were you doing in the lab? You're a CSI now," she said.

"I don't know. This guy named Jerry keeps telling some other people to put me back there, and I guess they listen to him or something. It doesn't make sense to me."

"Whatever," she said.

Grissom picked up a peanut butter sandwich off the table. "Hey, Nick, do you want this peanut butter sandwich?" he asked.

"No, I hate peanut butter. How come it is that you always forget people's food preferences?"

"I'm only human," he said.

"Really?" Sara asked.

"Well, actually, they're still debating that," he said. "No matter. Time to go to assignments. Remember, Nick, watch out for those red ants. Bring an exterminator with you. But make sure he doesn't rifle through your things before knocking you out and leaving you to die from sulfuryl fluoride gas poisoning."

"Well, I may be a trouble magnet, but, for some inexplicable reason, I'm still alive, after being molested, stalked, held at gunpoint twice, kidnapped, and buried alive."

"That's true," Grissom conceded. "Be careful anyway. And don't go after any Styrofoam cups, okay?"

"Fair enough," he said, as he left, with his poncho in hand.

Greg too left for his assignment, as Sara looked at Grissom. Gesturing towards her hand, he said, "We should get that hand bandaged up."

Suddenly, like Ecklie, Sofia appeared out of nowhere. "Grissom! I'm so hurt! I thought you only had feelings for me!"

"I do, Sofia. I only pretend to like Sara so certain people will stay happy, namely those people who insist on following us around with cameras. I only have eyes for you, baby."

Sara piped up, "So does this mean I can go back to the real love of my life, Hank?"

"Of course," Grissom said. "Have a nice time being cheated on!"

"Grissom, get your facts straight. _I_ was the one he was cheating _with_."

"Oh, right, of course. I forgot. I was too preoccupied with Sofia to notice. Sorry."

"That's okay. So, when can I expect my Venus fly trap?"

But Grissom didn't hear her. He was too busy making out with Sofia.

* * *

Author's Note: My first attempt at humour. Like it? Total crap? Let me know what you think in a review! 


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